luggage lost

some days you just know that you have been carrying too much stuff for too long.  i was traveling to europe a few weeks ago.  it was a trip that i honestly didn't want to do, i had been asked to attend meetings, but i had just come back from the US and travel was not what i wanted.  the luggage from the past trip was still sitting on my bedroom floor, half unpacked.  if the maid had not been coming two days before i left, we might not even have made the half way point.  i have found over the years that leaving bags packed, carrying the stuff that has built up over time makes life easy.

as i was packing for the trip i had to make decisions about what to bring.  i have a suitcase i bought in europe last year, one that i love because it is easy to spot and that it matches it's larger pair.  being easy to pick out in a crowd and matching are both things that i value.  but this is also the bag that has become a drag.  the wheels have gotten progressively flattened as i have literally dragged it around the world.  i didn't need the space the second bag gave me, but i wanted to return it and get a replacement that would roll along smoothly as i transit.  in the end i left the house with two rolling luggage, a shoulder bag, my massive messenger bag and a guitar.

why i would carry so much on a one week trip to europe... well, lets just say i was hopeful for time to practice and that i am all to comfortable with carrying more than i need to.  although, as i was packing, i was also unpacking.  i took the time to really consider what i had to carry.  i began to empty some of the items that has accumulated in the bags.  i took out the mini-laptop i am typing on now.  i would normally have taken it with me as a back up; and to allow me to have my personal and work lives both on the trip.  out came books, a hard drive and cables.  i shifted a few things from one bag to another.  some how i felt the need to provide a more balanced load on this trip.  it strangely seemed to matter how i was carrying the items with me; not a normal consideration.

as i landed in europe and collected my bags, i was glad to have the wheels of the checked bags to take the load of the messenger bag off my shoulder.  buying train tickets, having breakfast and waiting for my high speed train where all conducted with an eye on the bags.  european travelers know the risks of not staying connected to your baggage, but staying connected means that you need to drag them with you every step you take.  it was early and not as crowded as it would be hours later.  staying aware was still a requirement, even as the morning caffeine buzz settled over me like a warm blanket.

i went for my train, timed the connection perfectly and only needed to wait for 2 minutes on the chilly tracks below the airport.  the high-speed train came and i walked to the first class car in front.  as i boarded a conductor asked me for my tickets, and looked at me strangely as i produced it.  the ticket agent had given me a ticket for the wrong train.  i had asked for the high-speed train that goes all the way to paris, i had a seat booked on a train that only goes to brussels.  the upside was that the train i was booked on stopped in my location, while the one i had asked for did not.  the conductor was apologetic, which i didn't understand.  this was my fault, and if i were a bit more european i would have realized the mistake.  in the US there is one train system, in europe there are multiple.  it was my own fault that i had waited longer than i should have to start my next leg of travel.  now i had to wait again.  but when it's your own mistake, accepting an apology felt like shifting blame to the innocent.

i sat on a bench in the middle of the platform and began to wait.  passively waiting is not really a comfortable choice for me, so i pulled out the book of tabs i had brought to learn the cake song i have listened to over and over recently.  the book had made its way from the US to malaysia and now onto a train platform below a dutch airport.  next came the guitar and finally the ipod, by the end the 40 mins of waiting had flown and the train was sitting in front of me.  i quickly threw myself and my belongings together and was on the empty train.  again, time past quickly with only a few people coming and going.  i had thoughts of my last train trip when i wrote and danced, this was more time within myself, bags safely tucked next to and above my head.

when i realized i had made it to my stop i had pre-packed the things i had taken out for the trip and was ready to leave.  this is when i realized that one of my bags was missing.  my messenger bag, the one with my work laptop was gone.  someone had crept up behind me while i wasn't looking and had taken my bag.  i called to a conductor, but knew even before asking that there was no hope of ever finding the bag, its contents or those who had taken it.  the next few hours were a mix of regret, guilt and boredom, both for me and for the police who were helping me report of the loss.  it was clear that this was a common situation.  they had no hope of providing any more help than producing a police report which i could not read.  the large black bag i carry everywhere, the bag with my entire life within it was gone.

as part of the process, i did a survey of what i did have.  two of my three hand phones, most importantly my blackberry which in a pinch would be used as a nearly complete ultra-portable.  i had my credit cards, my IC cards, my passport, my ipods, my sunglasses and the cables most needed keep myself me powered on the remainder of the trip.  i had lost something important, but changes i had made at the last moment had also saved me from being completely lost.

this just in time correction is the lesson of this trip.  when things are lost, they may not be recoverable, but you can still continue on.  i have worried over the past few years how bad the loss of this bag could be for me.  i travel a lot, i carry a bag with me at all times and have way too much stuff with me at times.  i am a pragmatist; no matter how hard you try, bad things happen, mistakes are made and you will eventually feel loss.  there are bad people in the world, people who don't care if they impact your travels.  loss happens, deal with it.

which is what i feel like i have finally done.  i feel for the first time, rather than worrying about the loss, i have experienced and can accept it.  it happened, and it's time to regroup and move on.  my bag is gone, someone else has either thrown it away, or is walking around with it wrapped around their shoulder.  to be honest, i hope its the latter, i hope someone is using the bag and enjoying the comfort it gave me.  what a waste to think of it just sitting at the bottom of a landfill.  either way, it's something i have decided to not spend time thinking about, i have accepted and it makes me feel better.

i took the time yesterday to go the local crumpler store.  they didn't have the replacement bag, they said they will be getting an order soon, but somehow that makes me feel like i am sitting on a bench on a train platform.  passively waiting is just not for me.  i am going to find the bag, work out how to get it shipped here and start the process of filling it all over again.  

the upside is that i am also getting used to moving around with less weight hanging on my shoulder.  the pain i am used to is gone, i feel lighter and happier as days pass.  lost luggage is loss, but some how it is also the chance to try to live without the things you have become use to carrying.  it feels strange to not have the weight and to not be able to reach down and touch it.  carrying and feeling it had given a sense of comfort.

i have been resisting this change and now that its happened i am going to embrace it.  i am going to find a new bag, one i can being to load with new gear, but this time the load is going to be less heavy.  it's time to focus on the essentials.  it's time to learn the lesson of this trip. 

loss happens, and then you need to accept the baggage is gone too.

uncomfortably numb

i came back to asia this week after spending two weeks in the US. i was there to cover a peer who was on holidays with his family. he had spent six years planning a vacation, and two weeks before his leaving the company thought having coverage in the major time zone might help limit the disruption. this translated to another round of long-haul flights, followed by unexpected jet-lag on either side of the world.

the past few years have taught me to enjoy the travel that is an element of working in this location. it has also taught me to building increasing distance from those around me; i have swung through the pendulum of transition from craving time with friends to selfishly protecting my personal time so it could be spent on isolation. gone are the days of wondering who to spend time with, i have settled into a pattern of routine solitude, building extended periods where having nothing to do, and doing it alone, have given me a sense of safety. for the first time i sense the true meaning of cocooning, and the comfort it brings.

this may explain why i enjoy the long haul experience. thirty to forty hours of social and communication isolation which are viewed by the outside world as purposeful and necessary. having the explanation of nearly two days of literal disconnection to help explain why you are 1400+ emails behind in your reading and response is helpful to the always connected manager. being able to sit and read for the pure pleasure of idea synthesis while ignoring the turbulence outside, tightening the lap belt, snuggling under a blanket and relaxing in your angled travel pod with it's walls to protect you from the neighboring travelers, is worth the effort of dealing with security lanes.

the downside of traveling the world is the possibility of bringing unbalanced reading materials. my book selections over the past few weeks have been following a questionable trend. there has been a theme which was not immediately apparent, but which has boiled over into a series of questions i am now working through during the quiet moments of jet-lag awakened early morning. rather than going into depth i will summarize the central themes of the books i have read over the past few weeks:

(in chronological order)

• all actions we take are based on the evolutionary need to genetically succeed, even when that translates behaviors you would not discuss with grandma.
• modern complexity is positive and productive, even if it appears to be the exact opposite.
• cultural norms and fear are the root of most systematic failures; participants know better, but they don't stop them.
• being lucky is a key element to being successful; timing is everything.
• people can be motivated to act in ways they don't want to after subtle stimulation.
• being unhappy is a key element to being successful.
• americans expect happiness and are willing to feel nothing rather than feel unhappy
• societies fail because they want to; it makes them feel better about themselves.
• birth is death begun

going out and finding this progression of themes was not intentional. it just kind of happened, two of them were selected to be read on back to back flights because they did seem to be related, but they were purchased on different continents and just happened to be happily sitting next to each other during the packing exercise. most of these subjects have been read in semi-complete isolation, darkened airplanes buffeted by winds or crowded cafes infused with music. in either case, they were read in the comfort of solitude.

so here is the thought the books have brought: time is precious, mistakes happen, life matters.

are you going to tell me these are three thoughts? i see it as one, much like the books they are different but connected. as related as the anthropology, psychiatry, neuro-chemistry, organizational risk-management, sociology and literature that these books sprang from. "cake" has a song that reminds us that "sad songs and waltzes aren't selling this year", the authors of these books have not listened to this song. or maybe they have, although the books first appear to be depressing, with the consistent discussion of mistakes made and later reevaluated, they have left me with a comfortable feeling of ease.

one thought i have had is that people all over the world are screwed up. many of them are way more screwed up than i am. they take drugs to feel better, ones which numb them to the ability to feel pleasure as well as pain. other people retreat into mystery and myth in order to make sense of their lives which are too complex for them to analyze in any other way. many people, when confronted with an issue allow fear, uncertainty and doubt to control their actions and later rationalize their mistakes away.

travel has taught me to accept many things about myself that i didn't know before. i pack at the last minute, need to remember to check that i have my passport before i drive to the airport,i need to leave room in my luggage for the things i will buy when i am there and to accept that sleep patterns before/during/after travel will be disrupted. it has also also taught me to do email while driving in a snow storm, to remember to send take off and landing messages and how to deal with sudden change that i have no control over. being unable to shift my car into gear during a work crisis or missing a flight that was already four hours later than i thought would be would have been major disruptions a few years ago. these are now chances to have a coffee and make the important call without the emotional risk of sliding off the road.

feeling in control, even when fully aware there is no way to truly control the situation, is the best anti-depressant i can think of. numbing the highs and lows is like flattening out the roller-coaster; what is the fun in that? but then again, driving on slippery roads while doing email, finding flights without turbulence sad if not boring and being happy to travel 12,000 miles just to cover days with concurrent crisis-es could be a different sign.

then again roller coaster was never my favorite ride, bummer-cars always were. they may not have the same thrill as the big rides, but their lines are usually shorter. although, the roller coaster can be done alone, the bummer-cars need someone else to be worth it. traveling the world, reading books, creating new ideas are all things which can done alone, but to experience my favorite ride in the park i need someone to stand in line with.

bumping into strangers is not nearly as much fun as bumping into someone you love.

random things

i know this is out of character for my blog, but people have been sending me these on facebook so i got to thinking about my own list:

• i was conceived on the beach i later worked on
  
• my grandparent’s opposing religious views factored into my existence beyond the first trimester
  
• i once hid under my bed so i didn’t have to go to kindergarten, a full police search was conducted of the area
  
• at six, i ran away from home by climbing out my window; i walked 2 miles to my grandmothers, crossing a highway to get there
• i was asked to leave the cub-scouts because i was an over-achiever; i finished the project and demanded something else to do
• i was late for my first communion mass because i walked myself to church too slowly
• in fifth grade i was a crossing-guard, the US version of a school prefect
  
• my basketball career ended in 6^th grade when i found out i could not go left; not being able to shoot or jump might have been an issue later
  
• i passed algebra and geometry, but learned no math; i did it by inductive reasoning
  
• my worst subject in high school was typing; my teacher told me “whatever you do, don’t take a job that involves typing”.
  
• i was traded off a beach softball team, and put in charge of the keg, when kristin libby came to the game late.  she was the girl i was semi-secretly in love with in elementary school; she was also a much better softball player
  
• i nearly drowned twice as a child; once was the most amazing sensation of my life
  
• i saved all three of my siblings from drowning, my brother needed mouth to mouth; that was the day i decided i should be a lifeguard
  
• i saved four other people as part of the job, one was another member of our staff who tried to do a rescue without a torpedo, i didn’t know it was him until i pulled his unconscious body to the surface
  
• i selected my college because someone told me i wouldn’t be able to get or stay in
  
• i did more work in the first week of college than my entire high school career
  
• a nun in college called me a heretic; she was absolutely right
  
• i very loudly told the same nun she was a bitch in a crowded hallway; i was also right
  
• i have liked strong women since the morning a girl kicked my ass during a swim test; she knew i thought she was weak and made me suffer for it
  
• i graduated in 4 years; but by the end of the first semester i knew i would succeed, so i relaxed and enjoyed school
  
• i accidentally received a dual major from a school that does not give them
  
• i have done the heimlich maneuver three times on choking victims; twice they were complete strangers
• i have destroyed 4 bikes by being hit by cars over the years; i slid a foot from a tractor trailers wheels a few years ago when i crashed my bike during a rain storm
• i was three weeks from the paris island, and my plan to fly helicopters for the marines; when i was crushed by a tractor and broke both legs
  
• i took an accounting job as break from education before law school; coding killed law
  
• i became a software engineer because i didn’t want to be a manager
• i once offered a friends wife my services as a birth partner, he was scared.  i added USD 10,000 to the offer because i wanted the experience; she said no
• i started a consulting company with two partners, bought one out, brought another one quietly in, but i realized i had lost them all so i shut the company down
• our company motto was, “it’s all about the love”
  
• the fastest i have ridden my bike (down-hill) is 62 miles per hour; you should have seen the expression on the face of the driver in the car in front of me
  
• my favorite smells are baby heads and labrador paws; one of them reminds me of smart-food popcorn
  
• i own 5 guitars and can barely play; i keep saying this is the year i will learn
  
• i was happy with my spanish in college, my grades were three D(s) and a C, that C was SWEET!
  
• i want everyone to speak one common language; i am hoping we can agree on spanish
  
• i travel and have complete conversations with no shared language; i later remember it all in english
• i feel more like a european than an american; but i am home when i get to the US
• i am looking for ways to gain dual citizenship within the EU; the irish descendant program failed, ideas are welcome
• i love bruxelles and hope to live there someday; sydney loses only for lack of french speakers
• after living outside the US, i can see why people dislike americans; bad PR
• my grandfather was a member of the PGA and owned a golf course;  i don’t play
  
• i have been in asia for three years and have not been to thailand; i refuse to go alone
  
• having barbeque pulled pork, fresh beer and a dog are the things i miss living in a muslim country
  
• having my kids sleep over is the thing i miss the most about the US
• a nightmare for me would to be without a book; this is much scarier than being naked
  
• i have three hand phones in my messenger bag today; my forth is in my office waiting for me to take it to the US
  
• i tend to buy things in pairs; books i wish i could buy by the pound
• i have three laptops; one for work, one for personal use, and another just for pictures and music, i keep the count stable by giving the kids one when i buy another
  
• i have the best office in our company; it was constructed for the former prime minister of malaysia
  
• i added a video conf, running machine, guitars, computer books, and a pull-out sofa; all of which mahathir didn't have when he sat in here
• my allergies taught me that we crave things that are bad for us; you would think my catholic education would have done that

the fact that these are more or less in chronological order should tell you more about me than anything in the list.

dreaming again

i told someone last week that i didn't dream.  it has been years since i stopped.  i went from vivid, colorful, lucid dreams i could control and later remember, to no dreams at all.  the stop was sudden, and tied to other events in my life.  i have always understood the correlation, and have just come to accept the fact that my dreams had left me years ago and that i was now simply living during the day.

my former night-times where not an alternative life, but they were an enjoyable piece of who i was.  i can clearly remember dreams which i had as a child.  i remember when my dreams switched from black and white to color.  i remember when i began to control my dreams, changing their flow if i did not like the direction in which they were headed.  i had pleasant recurring dreams, the nocturnal version of re-watching favorite movies.

i have mentioned that i do not dream, and people have told me that i was but i was not aware that i was.  this sounds like a zen question concerning a tree falling in the woods.  with the tree, it fell even if no one heard it.  with the dream, if its not experienced it doesn't exist.  you can't find the dream laying on the floor of your subconscious rotting away covered with moss and insects.

one of my friends in the US just told me about the new drug she is on to improve daytime balance.  the side-effect is a decreased night time balance in the form of nightmares.  being as strong as she is, she is keeping a journal of the negative images.  if i know her at all, she will embrace the nightmares and understand them before she allows them to scare her away.

so i have been living with the acceptance of life without dreams.  i missed falling asleep to images of random video as i drifted off to sleep.  my compensation was to fall asleep on the couch, dvds left running.  the downside was waking up hours later, and realizing i had not rested because i had been listening to the sound of the dvd menu looping over and over every 17 seconds.  my own form of auditory induced apnea.

but i have dreamt for the past 6 nights.  vivid, wonderful and comforting dreams.  it is like an old friend returning and giving you a hug.  you welcome them back and want to hear all the stories they have to tell.  i am waking up with new memories that haven't happened in the real world.  it doesn't change the fact that i am happy to have them.

someone told me that dreaming is the process of forgetting.  others think that dreaming is the process of cementing long term memories so they can be retrieved later though association.  both theories work for me, the former is a garbage collection routine, the latter an offline update of a non-clustered index.  the software engineer in me is fine if its either or both.

i am just glad those night time cycles are again being put to good use.  i am not speculating on the deeper meaning of dreams returning after the absence, but i am happy to have the garbage collected and to have my indexes updated.