one thing about traveling is that you get to experience new cultures, and at times it challenges some of your cultural norms. this is the situation i have found myself in. it’s a strange situation for me. i feel as though i am being objectified, and i am not sure how to handle it. i also don’t have anyone to ask if this is normal, so i am not sure if what i am feeling is even valid.
when i checked into the hotel yesterday, one of the guys who works at the front desk was walking by me and patted my stomach. it was a gentle touch which i felt was meant to reassure me that they would find me a room and i should not worry. it was also a touch that sent a tingle down my spine and made me very uncomfortable in the, “did that guy just touch me like that?” way.
as i was shopping today, there was a sales guy who was trying to make a sale, and to project the friendly nature of our relationship reached out and squeezed my shoulder. he smiled at me and appeared to be saying its okay we are friends. i again was struck by the desire to gain some physical space and possibly do him some bodily harm. i surpressed these urges and just moved on in my day.
as i am sitting in a café, watching england beat on estonia, one of the waiters came over introduced himself and asked me a few questions. i am used to this, people want to practice their english and they try to use as many of the phrases they learned in class as possible. next he reached out a squeezed my shoulder in the same way the sales guy did, then he let his hand linger and rubbed my back. i am starting to think i am doing something to bring this on. i am not, i am just sitting and minding my own business.
but, i am starting to question myself. each of these guys has a slight build, high voices and no issues with invading close personal space. they also have personalities which set off my “gaydar” and have me thinking they are “just jack”. the issue is, i have no idea if this is normal within the local community and if i am just being sensitive. i have little or no issue with alternative lifestyles, and homophobia isn’t normally an issue for me, but why are they touching me?
even if it is that i am being hit on, what am I going to do? would it really be a good idea for me to rough up a local in a communist country? i doubt we have an embassy here, and after seeing “the deer hunter” I have no desire to expose myself to the vietnamese criminal justice system.
this does give me an idea of how women must feel if a man touches them without invitation. that shiver that when down my spine was not something i want o feel again; but at the pace this has been happening there is no way i think i will get out of the country without a repeat.
just because i am sexy does not mean i can be treated as a sex object.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
keeping the faith
i recently described myself as a free thinking catholic agnostic. this is a clear description of my lack of faith, but my inability to let go of the religious background which i was indoctrinated as a child. the religion that gave my grandmother comfort to the last moments of her death, the same religion which as driven me away by learning the sordid history of the church and the disgusting things which have been done in the name of christianity; many at the direction of the papacy.
one of the reasons i can not declare myself an atheist, as my teenage daughter does, is that it would make me feel like i am being dismissive to the beliefs of others. i have been accused of being unwilling to take a stand. i have been told that if i believe the things i believe, i have turned my back on god and i should just say so.
but i am not ready to do that. it would make me feel as though i was disapproving of the relationship other people of faith have with their religions. just because i do not have faith, does not mean i think others who do are wrong.
in the past few years i have met people with extraordinary levels of faith. i have friends who are christian, muslim or hindu who show their commitment to their faith every day. they lead lives which are amazing to me. where do they get the strength to believe as deeply as they do? where do they get the commitment to disregard the rest of their life and put elements of it on hold until tomorrow?
many years ago i was watching a movie about the priesthood. a young priest was being counseled by an older, jaded, priest. there was a line that stood out for me, “once they have seen paris, you can not keep them down on the farm”. this line jumped out at me then, and still rattles around in my head. the basic meaning is that it’s easy to accept a life, as long as you don’t know there is another life that you are capable of having.
is this why faithful people seldom seem to stray from their faith? straying allows one to see the other options; it gives them a glimpse of the other world. these glimpses normally cause one of two reactions, it drives them to retreat deeper into their faith or it places a wedge between them and their previous unshakable belief. seeing how others live, finding out there are valid lives which do not follow all the rules of someone’s own sect, and finding that elements of the alternative life are comfortable and enjoyable to the person can be very dangerous.
the social pressure of not straying is also kept up. what would people think? what would happen to those around me if they knew i did this? somehow faith was always a personal thing for me. it could be my society, or it could be my immediate family, but all choices were always personal choices, and those around me were seldom offended. this freedom has let me try new and different things, i have definitely seen paris and I love the lights.
my ex-wife and i were talking the other day. we were discussing our son and whether or not he still had faith. you see there is a faith that most christian kids share, but that we accept they lose as they age. we try to protect them from this loss. we hide the truth from them. adults lie or tell creative stories as to why children should still believe.
once we find that the child has lost the faith, we immediately teach them to not offend others by telling them the truth. we teach them that having the faith is important to “younger” kids and they should not do anything to jeopardize that for their friends. we add our children to the vast conspiracy, inviting them into a lie they will tell for the rest of their lives. many adults later realize that the faith was worth having and that it helped them to enjoy life before the lost it. in response to this, they create a new way of looking at it and reclaim a bit of the lost faith (in complete honesty, i am one of these people).
the faith we are talking about is one of pure goodness. its one that tells us to be good, to treat others well and that if we are bad it will be known and we will not get the things we want. i am sure you know of this faith, it’s the belief in santa claus. my son’s mother believes that he still has the faith; given things he said to me over the summer, i am not so sure. but honestly we both want to believe that he still has this faith, and he is smart enough to hide the fact that he has lost it for our benefit. the last thing i am going to do is ask, I don’t want to know and i don’t want him to tell me.
don’t flame me about using this story, i am not trying to point out that your faith is anything less than true. honestly, to me it’s just like santa, as long as you believe it’s true for you. who cares what others around you believe. your faith is valid if it helps you. i can’t prove that it’s not all true, so who am i to be judgmental? i hope you can do the same for me with my beliefs.
the thing about being a free thinking catholic agnostic is that i think everyone should have the chance to come down off the farm and enjoy the life in paris. paris is a happening town, there is art, culture, learning and fun diversions. i know you love the farm, you are comfortable and know this is where you were brought up, but there is more to the world. the farm is quiet, but it’s not the city of lights.
once you have come into town, give me a call, i love the company. if you let me know you’re coming i will meet you at the airport, i don’t mind the drive.
one of the reasons i can not declare myself an atheist, as my teenage daughter does, is that it would make me feel like i am being dismissive to the beliefs of others. i have been accused of being unwilling to take a stand. i have been told that if i believe the things i believe, i have turned my back on god and i should just say so.
but i am not ready to do that. it would make me feel as though i was disapproving of the relationship other people of faith have with their religions. just because i do not have faith, does not mean i think others who do are wrong.
in the past few years i have met people with extraordinary levels of faith. i have friends who are christian, muslim or hindu who show their commitment to their faith every day. they lead lives which are amazing to me. where do they get the strength to believe as deeply as they do? where do they get the commitment to disregard the rest of their life and put elements of it on hold until tomorrow?
many years ago i was watching a movie about the priesthood. a young priest was being counseled by an older, jaded, priest. there was a line that stood out for me, “once they have seen paris, you can not keep them down on the farm”. this line jumped out at me then, and still rattles around in my head. the basic meaning is that it’s easy to accept a life, as long as you don’t know there is another life that you are capable of having.
is this why faithful people seldom seem to stray from their faith? straying allows one to see the other options; it gives them a glimpse of the other world. these glimpses normally cause one of two reactions, it drives them to retreat deeper into their faith or it places a wedge between them and their previous unshakable belief. seeing how others live, finding out there are valid lives which do not follow all the rules of someone’s own sect, and finding that elements of the alternative life are comfortable and enjoyable to the person can be very dangerous.
the social pressure of not straying is also kept up. what would people think? what would happen to those around me if they knew i did this? somehow faith was always a personal thing for me. it could be my society, or it could be my immediate family, but all choices were always personal choices, and those around me were seldom offended. this freedom has let me try new and different things, i have definitely seen paris and I love the lights.
my ex-wife and i were talking the other day. we were discussing our son and whether or not he still had faith. you see there is a faith that most christian kids share, but that we accept they lose as they age. we try to protect them from this loss. we hide the truth from them. adults lie or tell creative stories as to why children should still believe.
once we find that the child has lost the faith, we immediately teach them to not offend others by telling them the truth. we teach them that having the faith is important to “younger” kids and they should not do anything to jeopardize that for their friends. we add our children to the vast conspiracy, inviting them into a lie they will tell for the rest of their lives. many adults later realize that the faith was worth having and that it helped them to enjoy life before the lost it. in response to this, they create a new way of looking at it and reclaim a bit of the lost faith (in complete honesty, i am one of these people).
the faith we are talking about is one of pure goodness. its one that tells us to be good, to treat others well and that if we are bad it will be known and we will not get the things we want. i am sure you know of this faith, it’s the belief in santa claus. my son’s mother believes that he still has the faith; given things he said to me over the summer, i am not so sure. but honestly we both want to believe that he still has this faith, and he is smart enough to hide the fact that he has lost it for our benefit. the last thing i am going to do is ask, I don’t want to know and i don’t want him to tell me.
don’t flame me about using this story, i am not trying to point out that your faith is anything less than true. honestly, to me it’s just like santa, as long as you believe it’s true for you. who cares what others around you believe. your faith is valid if it helps you. i can’t prove that it’s not all true, so who am i to be judgmental? i hope you can do the same for me with my beliefs.
the thing about being a free thinking catholic agnostic is that i think everyone should have the chance to come down off the farm and enjoy the life in paris. paris is a happening town, there is art, culture, learning and fun diversions. i know you love the farm, you are comfortable and know this is where you were brought up, but there is more to the world. the farm is quiet, but it’s not the city of lights.
once you have come into town, give me a call, i love the company. if you let me know you’re coming i will meet you at the airport, i don’t mind the drive.
asian bohemia
i woke up this morning to the voice of a lovely vietnamese woman. although my vietnamese is restricted to a few key phrases, all in some way related to either politely moving in a crowd or ordering a drink, i was sure i was listening to something i had never heard before.
the fact that i am vacationing in a communist country is strangely reinforced by what i am sure is propaganda messaged over the light pole mounted loud speakers found all over the city. the situation is not muted by the fact that i am enjoying the dual pleasure of holding american dollars and purchasing in the loose commerce of a fast growing asian country. but the sounds were mesmerizing, and the similarity of the smooth melody to the morning call to prays which have been waking me during ramadan was not missed. the tones of the woman’s voice are both soft and motivating. the message to someone who does not speak the language appears to be one of get up, start your day and work. help us grow our nation; prepare yourself for the coming day and the job that is in front of us.
If this is the message, it is strange that it is broadcast to a nation that appears anything but communist. during my first visit to a “former” communist nation, the czech republic, i was deeply surprised at the level of commerce on the streets. the people who had grown up under russian communist rule appeared to have made the transition quickly. this may have been shocking at the time, and the world is quickly changing, even china is making moves in the direction of open economic systems, but this small hamlet of communist rule is far beyond anything i would have expected.
i was just walking and randomly shopping, really doing nothing at all and mostly looking for opportunities to take photographs of life on the street. as i shopped i found a lacquer and granite chess board, with hand carved pieces for US$ 20, i am thinking of buying two. i also found an amazing CD and DVD shop that has CDs for 10,000 dong, but if i buy in bulk i was promised to have the price come down to 7,000 dong (US$ 0.44).
i am sitting in a micro brew pub with brick walls covered in football posters, brass and stainless steel holding tanks clearly visible, and a menu full of pub grub from all over the world. there is even "com rang malaixia (fried rice malaysia style) on the menu.
i am paying 30,000 dong (US$ 1.87) for a wonderful belguim red beer on draft, a price that would have seemed cheap even before i moved to KL and got used to paying US$ 10.00 for a decent, but bottled beer. Even at this price it does seem a bit steep, given last night I was drinking in a bai hao place, sitting on plastic chairs with cars and motorcycles going by, but only paying 4,000 dong (US$ 0.11) per beer.
the main wall of the pub has 10 foot wide reproduction of a political poster that reminds the workers that by working together they are making the country stronger. as i write this there are westerners from europe, US and australia simply enjoying the beer, having conversation and most likely ignoring the fact that the country is officially communist.
i sat next to a group of aussie kids on a school trip this morning. they told me their school brought them here to teach them about the history of australian involvement in the US/vietnam war. i was not sure how coming to vietnam, eating pizza and buying sex in the city on pirated DVD could teach them about that, but why fight it. i wish my school had taken trips like this. besides, clearly this is why i am not an educator.
hanoi does appear to attract a certain type of traveler, not a surprise, hong kong and singapore attract the shoppers, bangkok attracts pedophiles, and hanoi attracts bohemians. the people who travel here are laid back, relaxed, in search of a cheap and easy place to hang out. many have travelled around asia and have come to a point where they need a refuge. they are looking for somewhere to recharge, to take in a comfortable environment and simply enjoy the easy life.
the fact that it’s cheap, the people are easy to get along with and no one seems to get upset about very much is just the bonus that makes this city great.
vietnam was able to expel the french and defeat the americans; they were also able to bring the best of both of those cultures into their own. there is a wonderful sweetness about the people, they smile and help you relax. it seems the people here are much more relaxed about themselves and those around them than the people i have met elsewhere in asia. they seem to just want to do their jobs and not worry about bigger issues like politics, religion and economic policy.
this is asian bohemia; there are art galleries, cafes and cool food establishments all over this city. people, locals and foreigners, are simply relaxed and enjoying life. there is a comfort that shows itself as you look at and smile at people. i wonder why more of asia does not want to come here, experience this way of life and then bring it back into its own culture. i can think of one city that despretely needs to have its people come here and find the meaning of really taking it easy.
this is the closest i have come to seeing “la dolce vita” in asia. the fact that its here in a communist country, and is kept motivated by early morning announcements and strange communist music played at day break really does have me reconsidering some of my earlier opinions about communism. some would say it’s the march of history that has brought the country here, i have to think it’s the artsy people who smile and make it a perfect retreat for burnt out westerners.
the fact that i am vacationing in a communist country is strangely reinforced by what i am sure is propaganda messaged over the light pole mounted loud speakers found all over the city. the situation is not muted by the fact that i am enjoying the dual pleasure of holding american dollars and purchasing in the loose commerce of a fast growing asian country. but the sounds were mesmerizing, and the similarity of the smooth melody to the morning call to prays which have been waking me during ramadan was not missed. the tones of the woman’s voice are both soft and motivating. the message to someone who does not speak the language appears to be one of get up, start your day and work. help us grow our nation; prepare yourself for the coming day and the job that is in front of us.
If this is the message, it is strange that it is broadcast to a nation that appears anything but communist. during my first visit to a “former” communist nation, the czech republic, i was deeply surprised at the level of commerce on the streets. the people who had grown up under russian communist rule appeared to have made the transition quickly. this may have been shocking at the time, and the world is quickly changing, even china is making moves in the direction of open economic systems, but this small hamlet of communist rule is far beyond anything i would have expected.
i was just walking and randomly shopping, really doing nothing at all and mostly looking for opportunities to take photographs of life on the street. as i shopped i found a lacquer and granite chess board, with hand carved pieces for US$ 20, i am thinking of buying two. i also found an amazing CD and DVD shop that has CDs for 10,000 dong, but if i buy in bulk i was promised to have the price come down to 7,000 dong (US$ 0.44).
i am sitting in a micro brew pub with brick walls covered in football posters, brass and stainless steel holding tanks clearly visible, and a menu full of pub grub from all over the world. there is even "com rang malaixia (fried rice malaysia style) on the menu.
i am paying 30,000 dong (US$ 1.87) for a wonderful belguim red beer on draft, a price that would have seemed cheap even before i moved to KL and got used to paying US$ 10.00 for a decent, but bottled beer. Even at this price it does seem a bit steep, given last night I was drinking in a bai hao place, sitting on plastic chairs with cars and motorcycles going by, but only paying 4,000 dong (US$ 0.11) per beer.
the main wall of the pub has 10 foot wide reproduction of a political poster that reminds the workers that by working together they are making the country stronger. as i write this there are westerners from europe, US and australia simply enjoying the beer, having conversation and most likely ignoring the fact that the country is officially communist.
i sat next to a group of aussie kids on a school trip this morning. they told me their school brought them here to teach them about the history of australian involvement in the US/vietnam war. i was not sure how coming to vietnam, eating pizza and buying sex in the city on pirated DVD could teach them about that, but why fight it. i wish my school had taken trips like this. besides, clearly this is why i am not an educator.
hanoi does appear to attract a certain type of traveler, not a surprise, hong kong and singapore attract the shoppers, bangkok attracts pedophiles, and hanoi attracts bohemians. the people who travel here are laid back, relaxed, in search of a cheap and easy place to hang out. many have travelled around asia and have come to a point where they need a refuge. they are looking for somewhere to recharge, to take in a comfortable environment and simply enjoy the easy life.
the fact that it’s cheap, the people are easy to get along with and no one seems to get upset about very much is just the bonus that makes this city great.
vietnam was able to expel the french and defeat the americans; they were also able to bring the best of both of those cultures into their own. there is a wonderful sweetness about the people, they smile and help you relax. it seems the people here are much more relaxed about themselves and those around them than the people i have met elsewhere in asia. they seem to just want to do their jobs and not worry about bigger issues like politics, religion and economic policy.
this is asian bohemia; there are art galleries, cafes and cool food establishments all over this city. people, locals and foreigners, are simply relaxed and enjoying life. there is a comfort that shows itself as you look at and smile at people. i wonder why more of asia does not want to come here, experience this way of life and then bring it back into its own culture. i can think of one city that despretely needs to have its people come here and find the meaning of really taking it easy.
this is the closest i have come to seeing “la dolce vita” in asia. the fact that its here in a communist country, and is kept motivated by early morning announcements and strange communist music played at day break really does have me reconsidering some of my earlier opinions about communism. some would say it’s the march of history that has brought the country here, i have to think it’s the artsy people who smile and make it a perfect retreat for burnt out westerners.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
before i die
a few years ago i saw life starting to change, i felt i needed to come up with a plan, a road map, a list of things i wanted to do before it was too late. the following is the list i came up with. the list has changed over time, i have done some, i have let life push and pull me, but i have a plan.
(these are in no particular order)
1. pub crawl in dublin
2. mass at saint peters
3. fly a helicopter
4. sail across an ocean
5. be published
6. ride the orient express
7. run a marathon
8. drive across the silk road
9. swim newport to jamestown
10. give ashley away at her wedding
11. hold my first grandchild
12. own my/our house outright
13. kiss passionately on our 30th anniversary
14. cycle across the usa
15. go to mardi gras
16. jam with a band, in front of people
17. lay on a greek beach naked
18. climb the pyramids at gisa
19. order dinner in french (in france) -- done
20. run with the bulls in pampolna
21. climb kilimanjaro
22. walk on the great wall
23. write an app people know and love
24. get lifeguard certification renewed
25. surf a wave larger than 5 feet again
26. see the aurora borealis
27. scuba on the great barrier reef
28. teach
29. work everyday for the love of it
30. hold each other as one of us dies
maybe the issue i have is that roadmaps are like recipes for me. they are more of a guide to use at the start of a journey than the path to the destination. now that i have these on the list, i feel like i can do other things, because i know i won’t forget them as life moves down the road with me.
why would i be upset that i have not done these things, look at the things not on the list that i have accomplished since writing it:
(also in no particular order)
1. lead a core development team of a major .com
2. move to asia and experience a new culture; or three
3. learn just enough language skills to survive on any continent in the world
4. stand on the eiffel tower with my kids
5. see a sunrise over prague
6. see a sunset over south china sea
7. drink US$ 0.12 beers with backpackers in a former communist country
8. buy “coffee” from a café in amsterdam
9. teach E to surf
10. make sure the kids know i love them every day
11. sing flemish folk songs in a turkish/moroccan bar in belguim
12. photograph street culture in india
13. see paris blink at night; twice in 7 months
14. relax and have fun after losing $2,000 worth of train tickets
15. find a flamingo at home
16. bring a loved one back from the dead
17. swimming in halong bay during a rain storm
18. take off on a domestic flight and land in the planned location, but as an international flight
19. photograph smiles on three continents, 7 countries, in 10 days
20. build something that wouldn’t have happened without me
21. play with a little man who speaks no english but knows what i am saying
22. swim in the moonlight, after a music festival in the rainforest
23. chase my son in a triathlon, winning a friendship
24. be in my son's classroom 4 times in one year, while living 12,000 miles away
25. opening a bottle of champaign with a saber
26. leaving a bbq at 2 AM and driving until sunrise to make a flight with my best friend
27. carpe diem
who says you need to follow a roadmap to be happy. life happens one day at a time, the past years are teaching me that loving life means taking things as they come and being able to take a risk to enjoy life.
(these are in no particular order)
1. pub crawl in dublin
2. mass at saint peters
3. fly a helicopter
4. sail across an ocean
5. be published
6. ride the orient express
7. run a marathon
8. drive across the silk road
9. swim newport to jamestown
10. give ashley away at her wedding
11. hold my first grandchild
12. own my/our house outright
13. kiss passionately on our 30th anniversary
14. cycle across the usa
15. go to mardi gras
16. jam with a band, in front of people
17. lay on a greek beach naked
18. climb the pyramids at gisa
19. order dinner in french (in france) -- done
20. run with the bulls in pampolna
21. climb kilimanjaro
22. walk on the great wall
23. write an app people know and love
24. get lifeguard certification renewed
25. surf a wave larger than 5 feet again
26. see the aurora borealis
27. scuba on the great barrier reef
28. teach
29. work everyday for the love of it
30. hold each other as one of us dies
maybe the issue i have is that roadmaps are like recipes for me. they are more of a guide to use at the start of a journey than the path to the destination. now that i have these on the list, i feel like i can do other things, because i know i won’t forget them as life moves down the road with me.
why would i be upset that i have not done these things, look at the things not on the list that i have accomplished since writing it:
(also in no particular order)
1. lead a core development team of a major .com
2. move to asia and experience a new culture; or three
3. learn just enough language skills to survive on any continent in the world
4. stand on the eiffel tower with my kids
5. see a sunrise over prague
6. see a sunset over south china sea
7. drink US$ 0.12 beers with backpackers in a former communist country
8. buy “coffee” from a café in amsterdam
9. teach E to surf
10. make sure the kids know i love them every day
11. sing flemish folk songs in a turkish/moroccan bar in belguim
12. photograph street culture in india
13. see paris blink at night; twice in 7 months
14. relax and have fun after losing $2,000 worth of train tickets
15. find a flamingo at home
16. bring a loved one back from the dead
17. swimming in halong bay during a rain storm
18. take off on a domestic flight and land in the planned location, but as an international flight
19. photograph smiles on three continents, 7 countries, in 10 days
20. build something that wouldn’t have happened without me
21. play with a little man who speaks no english but knows what i am saying
22. swim in the moonlight, after a music festival in the rainforest
23. chase my son in a triathlon, winning a friendship
24. be in my son's classroom 4 times in one year, while living 12,000 miles away
25. opening a bottle of champaign with a saber
26. leaving a bbq at 2 AM and driving until sunrise to make a flight with my best friend
27. carpe diem
who says you need to follow a roadmap to be happy. life happens one day at a time, the past years are teaching me that loving life means taking things as they come and being able to take a risk to enjoy life.
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