comfortably boring

what is it about me that makes people think i spend my nights in clubs or on dates?  even the people close to me seem shocked when they ask what i did last weekend and i say, "same as normal, i worked, wrote, read and stayed home".  it's as though they expect me to have done something different this week.  is it that i am a single expat with no issues talking to people? 

last night i was home watching a movie about the triangle relationship of man, woman and mutt.  i have an email this morning from a close friend sure i was out gallivanting because i didn't reply when pinged.  the assumption that i would be home and was just not thinking about communicating with the outside world apparently wasn't considered.  this is someone who knows me and should know better.

i have a small collection of hangouts where i am a regular.  when i walk into them the staff knows where i am going to sit, what i am going to order and what i will be doing while i am there.  the latter is the easiest of the three to project; there is 80% chance i will be doing email, 15% that i will be writing and 5% that i will sit and read.  i am a creature of habit, but these parts of my life are obsessively repetitive.  

i came to a cafe this morning for a quick breakfast, i am still here hours after i planned to leave.  this is day four of sitting in cafes for long stretches of time, day two of doing little more than core dumping random thoughts to the web.

there is no email going on, it is a holiday, my out-of-office auto-reply is turned on and i am carrying my mini-laptop.  the one that does not have work email access on it.  there is always web-based work mail, but i am simply refusing to open that in a browser.  tomorrow is also a holiday, but i plan to crack and work on that day.  i think this is more balanced than working straight through holidays.  it is an attempt to be a bit less boring. 

 

but boring is what i accept i am.  i have repetition built in, and i crave comfortable routines.  i was talking to my daughter yesterday and we discussed a movie that we can each quote long segments of.  we can do this because we have watched it over and over again.  i woke up this morning thinking about the conversation and realizing that i wanted to watch it again tonight.  actually, tonight will most likely be a long night of re-watching movies i have watched over and over.  comfort movies, with dialogue that i will be able to hear the kids quoting as i watch them. 

when i am not working, being repetitive with movies and cafes or writing random thoughts, i tend to spend my time reading odd books.  as i type this there are two books in front of me.  the first is "mutants: on the form varieties and errors of the human body"; winner of the guardian first book award in 2004.  it is a great book, and is only second best to "good germs, bad germs: health and survival in the bacterial world" which i finished earlier this month.  the second book is, "flirting with disaster: why accidents are rarely accidental", a book that talks about the organizational and psychological impediments to avoiding disaster.

"flirting with disaster" reminds me of "engineering is human", a book i read years ago which focused on how technical issues were allowed to creep into designs. issues which later caused the design to fail.  this newer book discusses how and why organizations fail to accept and correct issues which are causing them not to succeed.  given the project i was assigned last week, to make suggestions to correct the issues effecting our organization, and the press announcement this week that our organization did experience a public failure, it is no surprise that this title caught my eye while i strolled the shelves of a massive bookstore last weekend.

i need to finish these thoughts.  i am going to go home and curl up on the couch with my DVDs, i have take-out that i bought over the weekend.  i knew my favorite restaurants would be closed for CNY and i was having preemptive cravings for the comfort food they provide.  i stocked the fridge with tau pow nachos, corn bread, butter chicken, garlic batura and chocolate cake.  i will be able to relax and enjoy the foods i love, as i watch movies and read books i love.

this does sound boring, it probably is boring... but its also exactly what i feel like doing.  just a simple and easy night with no pressures.  this sounds so much better to me than being out and yelling over the sound of amplified music, coughing through smoke clouds and chatting with people who put more emphasis on building their wardrobe than their book collection.

so i am still not sure; what is it about me that makes you think i am anything but comfortably boring?

KL emptiness

finally, chinese new year is here, it's not a moment too soon.  

the first full-year here, i took a trip to hanoi and halong bay during the lunar new year.  true to form, i traveled to place with limited plans or research completed.  i found that town largely shut down, the fact that vietnam had been run by the chinese for hundreds of years, and their political grip on the country was only eliminated by the colonial investments of the japanese and french were not clear to me until i got there and experienced the country.  later return to hanio was done during hari-raya, and i found the bohemian city fully open and energetic.  

that year i was warned about KL and how it empties out during CNY.  the people of KL, chinese and other, balik kampung during this long holiday break.  most of the mat salleh stay in the city and enjoy the quiet times that an empty city permits.  the chinese owned shops are mostly closed, but the expat hang-outs are open and operating with the non-chinese staff at the ready to serve.  as i type i am looking at jalan talawi tiga midday and with open parking spots.  the pace is slow and comfortable during this holiday.  the noise level is even lower, the larger and more vocally demanding voices have elected to leave the city behind for less demanding of us.

what surprised me this weekend was that there were so many people still here.  this is my third CNY in the city, and i had expected less people.  i asked around yesterday and was told it was the economy that was keeping people in the city.  i laughed and had to point out that only in malaysia would people decide to stay in the most expensive city in the country to save money because of a declining economy; and then spend all weekend shopping in overpriced malls, eating in cafes targeted at those with EUR and USD based incomes and generally continuing the conspicuous consumption lifestyles of normal KL.

one of the changes i have enjoyed this weekend was waking up and listening to the sounds of birds in the jungle bukit outside my window.  normally i do not hear these sounds, they are drowned out by city sounds that encroach into my edge of the city.  with the city in low-gear it is moving slow enough to allow these lessor sounds to come forward.  being alone to just enjoy the sounds of simple life have been one of the easiest enjoyments of this weekend.

the second has been the fact that i have been able to write.  not only do i have the time, but i have the ability to let the words flow from head to fingers to web.  the past few weeks have been focused on things other than sleep and releasing thoughts.  dealing with situations from outside, preparing to execute on choices i had no decision in making and bracing for the new year have been consuming.  the emptiness and quiet of this weekend have allowed me to pour myself into the void this has created.  removing the block has given me the chance to drain off the fluid of the purulent cyst that has been growing un-managed for weeks.

the relief is welcome and comes when most needed.  relief is the first step, recovery is the next.  the risk is of course that things will simply go back to normal.  recurrent relapse could occur as the city and life both return to normal.  but this CNY has shown, even if things are not as empty as we had hoped for, you can make room for recovery and relief.

one step at a time, finding the empty space and moving to it.  that is the plan for the rest of this year.

zoey marley

i watched a movie last night that i expected to laugh and and walk away with a light feeling of a family comedy.  when selecting a movie with jennifer anostin and owen wilson you do not expect to learn a life lesson about yourself or to have it touch you below the surface.  had i read the small print on "marley & me", i might have seen the summary "a family learns important life lessons from their adorable, but naughty and neurotic dog".  i never went beyond the cover with a gorgeous lab puppy and the subtitle, "life and love with the worlds worst dog"

i should have known better.  i should have taken the time to read the full description and to have seen my reaction coming.  there has to be some grading system built so you don't stumble over a movie that will impact you from nowhere.  we have PG, PG-13 and R to help us protect our children from sex and violence in film.  where is the PD rating.  this would help us with both post-divorce and post-death cinema experiences that impact adults and children.

for full disclosure this movie simply carried too many parallels for me to get through it in one piece.  the movie is well written and surprisingly well acted, if the writers had not elected to use the life of a lab as the central metaphor for a families life, i would have been able to take this movie as the simple pleasure i had hoped for when placing it in the DVD player.  the fact that marley was a "clearance dog", and suffered from separation anxiety should have warned me to turn off the movie and go to bed early; it didn't and that is clearly my fault.

the movie and the dogs relationship with the family starts early in the lives of a couple, they choose to get a dog as they begin to build a family.  the dog is quickly understood to be one with issues, issues which are used as a foil by the couple to point out fractures in their relationship.  marley is always ready to jump into the husband's arms as the wife is pressed by the level of effort required to feed and care for the family.  there is a touching scene when jen demands that the dog be given away.  john asks if he will be given away also, because he is also trouble to take care of.  man and dog both end up staying; because they are each clearly loved; despite their issues. 

as i said, parallels were clear.  a family who lives in a house set back on a big lot, trees all around, two sons and a beautiful daughter.  husband and wife who are both professional and begin their relationship with all the hope and promise in the world.  the full american dream, three kids a beautiful home, a volvo and a mini-van in the driveway.  friends who time and space take away, but a family that stays together.  all of it witnessed by a neurotic lab...  

our lab was named zoey, she as taken-in very early in a relationship, she was just a neurotic as marley and was just as loved.  zoey was tragically taken from us in an accident.  she was pulled under the wheels of our SUV as wife and kids climbed our steep driveway.  the symbolism of our dog being killed as she chased after the retreating car has never been lost on me.  

a neurotic dog, whose primary fear was being left behind would obviously give chase; even at the risk of being crushed under large wheels.  accidents happen, including those that you can see long in advance, but seeing of the impressions of a crush injury can take your breath away years later.  the feelings of loss and pain can be resurrected by the ghosts of the past; or by similar images of different families.

marley lasted until the end.  he was buried in the front yard, in a hole hand-dug by the family; they all said goodbye together.  zoey is buried in the back yard, in a hole machine dug by a hired-tool; goodbyes where said privately.  marley was a real dog, whose life and death was inside a real family.  he might have been the world's worst dog, but he was one the family loved and kept as theirs forever.

the movie was formulaic, but it had a heart that touched my own.  next-time i will read the small-print before i pop the movie in, good and bad are sometimes just to close. 

   

lowered expectations

i was talking to my ex-wife last night.  there was a moment years ago when she saw me doing something out of character and based on the strained position we were in, she asked me if i thought pretending to change would make a difference.  this came a year after i thought i had begun changing in significant ways.  the question was an accusation of lies which were not being told, and a confirmation that at that moment nothing would be enough change to matter.

to be fair, there were times in the past where i should have been happy and i was not.  i merged a cynical world view, an expectation of doom and a desire to control things which simply could not be controlled, into a poor-fit in our american family dynamic.  on one of our first dates she asked why i always expected something bad to happen.  she asked me to accept that trying to let good things happen would allow them to happen.  i took a deep breath and made a decision to try.  years later, much happiness had come from that decision.  i had just done a terrible job of saying thank you.

a few weeks ago i was sharing the sight of a famous landmark with someone who enjoyed it as much as i did.  she looked at me and told me the man in her life had taken in the same view and had been disappointed by it.  he did not think it was worth the praise it receives; it did not meet the expectations he had in pre-viewing.  i looked at her and smiled.  this was the second time i had seen it, and like the eiffel tower blinking at night, sunset on the ocean, pastel streaked sunrise from 40,000 feet or the birth of a child there was simply no way i could be disappointed.

we discussed why we enjoyed the view so much and why others would be disappointed.  it hit me that it wasn't the view, it was what someone brought into the view.  like reading a book you have read before and hearing a new message, like looking at a painting of the ocean crashing onto the beach and sensing the feelings of the men impressionisticly standing on the beach, the viewer is a key element to the interpretation of a moment.  you bring yourself into the act of enjoyment.  your "world view" matters as you view your world.

events which would have frustrated me years ago, moments when i would have been bored and distracted are now those that i miss the most.  i hate the fact that i didn't enjoy them while i could have.  i allowed myself to fast-forward through times that i now wish i could return to and slowly savor.  the big events are the times that people remember, but it's the small events that i have come to care the most about.

the difference then is that i find i now enjoy small things as much as large.  when this started i realized that the sound of a bird chirping, the bright taste of my morning caffeine jolt and warm feeling on sun on my arms had new found pleasure.  when you slow down and enjoy things that you used to take for granted, you begin to see that very few things can be taken for granted.  

i was watching a DVD last night and a small scene unfolded, as it ended i realized that three months ago i had stood on the exact spot the actors were in the scene.  i had been there and i had shared the moment with someone i could reach out to and share the joy of recognition.  this tiny scene meant something to me that i brought in myself.  something the production company never could have added.  i brought good and happy thoughts unrelated to the scene that was written.

i have changed.  i now have lower expectations, and the lower the expectations have become the more i have learned to enjoy the small things that happen around me.  even the things i don't like, i now try to find some way to enjoy.  just understanding that before the changes began i could have had a reaction or felt frustration, now i enjoy difficult moments with the zen appreciation of not allowing a negative response to replace the good-vibe.

pretending to change was never the plan.  the change happened much like time and pressure crytalizes carbon to diamond, and i have learned to enjoy the sparkle of the post-pressurized me.  i used to say, "expect the worst, enjoy the best".   as i look back, it's clear how that world view could impede a happy life.  but, that is no longer the way i look at the world.  the worst things that could happen did; and i am still standing.

i can now happily say, "enjoy what life brings you", to do it you need to see the diamonds in the rough.  

photographic memories

three weeks ago i was being bounced around by the waves breaking against the hull of a rented speed boat.  while walking around sydney hunting for belgium beer and australian wine i thought we needed to see things from a different angle.  i was standing in the same place i had stood before, i was getting the same photos i had gotten before.  what i needed was to be in a new place and to see things from a new angle.

i looked over and saw a guy with a boat.  snap decision, quick negotiation of the price, and corralling my companions and we were water-bourn.  the guide was an interesting character, not uncommon for someone providing service to tourists.  the difference from other recent trips was that he could speak english; and that i wasn't alone.  i had two people i care about with me.  the trip was around the harbor, it came with running monologue of the harbor's history and insights of our guide.  the conversation was kept fresh, the only hint at his level of boredom with our jaunt was the speed of his accelerations and the angles of his turns.

i am not sure if he was doing that for the pure fun of it, for me as i was happily standing and rocking with the boat, or for my best friend who was ready to throw-up from the moment we pushed the mooring lines overboard.  the reasons didn't matter to me, the pace and turns added to fun and made for a few fun pictures.  this is the thing about travelling, the better the pictures the stronger the memories.  images of our days fade quickly, but having a picture can bring you right back to the moment.  this trip to sydney came with some great images.  sea sickness, stuck-out tongues, broken sculpture, lightly draped architectural symbols, gifts to boat makers, tree hugging and smiles under the table were captured.

having those moments frozen in bits helps me connect to the others that were not.  associative memories, one moment caught helps to lock in those that were missed.  this is why we carry our cameras, they help us freeze and keep memories for cold winter nights when we are hungry for a satisfying meal from our past.  they let us open the door and pull out a hearty image that makes us happy; and fills us with the calories or our past.

i have taken pictures all over the world.  i am asked why i take so many pictures of people i don't know.  the thing is, this random person i photographed is someone whose life has crossed mine.  it may have been for just a moment, as i was running through city streets and they were waiting for a light on their motorcycle.  our paths cross, they look over and smile.  when i capture that smile, i have it forever, rather than it fading as one of the small moments we share every single day; moments which we quickly forget.

sometimes i take a picture and i see a truth in it that the passing moment doesn't show.  there is a zen saying that a flowing river is never the same twice.  the act of movement brings constant change.  sometimes, constant movement is to protect someone from being captured.  i took a photo a few years ago that i go back to and enjoy over and over.  when i look at it i see clouds on the horizon and a fuzzy foreground, but the image captured both amazing strength and obvious fragility.  pictures can say a thousand words.

having the chance to travel, to see things, to meet people, to live more than a local-life is a blessing.  it's not a blessing that everyone has; if you do have these chances you are obligated to recognize the blessing for what it is.  you need to never allow life to just pass by as you move in the world.  you can capture the moments and come back to them later.  remember the small moments and the smiles of the people you meet.  those are the smiles that could have simply passed you by are the ones that may be important in the longer-term.

even if its just a peak around the corner, or a tongue stuck out in your direction, these are the moments of photographic memory that count.

no really

at the start of the year, three people told me they are making new years resolutions. every one of them has vowed this is the year they would do the same thing as all the others, "find work life balance". last year i vowed to learn to play the blues guitar; buying yet another bloody guitar, on the last day of the year, was less than an optimum outcome for that goal. maybe i need another way to look at this?

i was reading a book on using data to drive decision making. "super crunchers" as a good title to catch my eye during the pre-flight book selection process. the book was interesting, but i was hoping for math or technical sides to data analysis and presentation. the audience it targetted less at data architects and more social scientists. that's fine, i have a poli-sci educaton and my work is more about people than systems right now anyway.

in the final chapter the author makes a strained connection from the book to a website he and his friends had created. i found the conversation out of context, but none the less interesting. stickk.com is all about making and keeping your resolutions. the site and new years came together in time. maybe using technology would help in the success of resolutions, the simple idea is that you should commit to the goal, and have someone monitor you. if you like, you can then put your money where your mouth is, put a "contract on yourself" and pay off when you inhale the nicotine you know you are addicted to (or slip on whatever front you know you will slip on).

the site says:

i like the idea, i need goals which are easy to messure, and a data guy building a website to track process on decisions makes alot of sense to me. i like working against MBOs or KPIs that are simple and direct to measure. so, resolutions like:

• exercise more
• learn to play music
• do things i enjoy

are just not strong enough for me. what does "more" mean anyway. "almost never" is "more" than "never" right? given where i have been for the past 8 months, it wouldn't take much to do things "more" than i have been.

so what about resolutions like:

• lose 20 lbs
• run a 10K race
• read at least 2 books every month
• write code and a blog every week
• learn one song on guitar a month, prove it by playing it in public

these are much easier for me to measure and know that i am either failing or succeeding at. i am almost a month into the resolution season. i have done little or nothing on any of these. i started this blog 24 days ago, i have not been able write anything other than email and reviews in three weeks. i have run once, i haven't cycled or swam in months, i have picked up one of my guitars three times, no new songs have been learned.

i have a break for the next few days. as you can see i am writing. it feels so good to have the words flow again. i was sitting in a cafe yesterday and read a best life article that argued eating chocolate before a workout helped the author both exercise harder and to eliminate writers block, something about the endorphines and mood alteration. eating chocolate to improve exercise might sound counter-intuitive, but "eat fat to lose fat" worked for me better than anything ever has.

if this year is going to become unblocked and is going to have some balance, i am going to need to try some solutions that seem counter-intuitive. i may also need someone to monitor me in a stickk way. i am going to need to let go of work-life balance, and work on the KPIs. last year's goals were written this year during review season. this years goals need to be written now.

looking back and reviewing myself on the actual accomplishments is not the way for me to succeed. it might bring a good review on paper, but it was not the success i wanted, just the one i ended up with.

so the bullets above are my resolutions for this year, who whats to monitor?

iphone envy

i was asked by a friend this morning what phone i liked; which one i would get if i was in the market. i am not in the market because i just spent a big part of yesterday getting my blackberry bold working on the local network. now that i have it working, i am hoping its more than a few months before something puts me back in the situation of needing to find a new phone. phones are extensions of your life, so picking a phone is a life choice. not the same as mate selection, but... you know there might be something you can learn by watching the phone(s) someone carries.

i have a three handphones, well okay four. they are all smart phones because the one thing i demand is that the phone is smart; looking and able to commuicate. they all have a full keyboard, no sms typing with a standard handphone keypad for me. they are well known brands, blackberry, treo and window mobile. and for the the past few weeks i have been juggling three of them until i could get the bold working so it could take over.

i said i have four phones. the oldest is the treo i have from the US. it's my personal phone and only works when i am in the US. the last sms on it are those i sent to the family on the way out of an airport. "the doors are closing, i love you". because most US phones only work in the US, this one is a pretty piece of junk while i am moving around the world. the next time it will be turned on will be when i land in the US and turn it on as the plane taxis to the gate. the next sms will be "in {airport code}, i love you". i could easily drop this phone, but there is something about the closeness of the number and it's history that stops me from shutting it off for good.

i also have a blackberry curve from US. it's a workphone that i use when i travel. it has unlimited BB data and always makes the connection to the local network for me. the phone was supposed to be unlocked, allowing me to plug in a new SIM and have it work, but that didn't work. the US network's SIM is the one one that works. yet another american phone that is helpful, but isn't there for me as much as i hoped. it's expensive to use and is simply not worth the issues. i turned this one off yesterday, and don't plan on turning it back on.

i have a windows mobile phone that i use as a modem connection for my laptop, and it has the number i have used here for the past three years. this is my voice and SMS phone since i got the new BB. once i prove that the BB totally works and gives me the coverage i need, i am going to need to drop this phone. it works, and its okay, but carrying two phones all the time is not worth the hassle. i am also having issues with charging two phones, the last thing i needed was to carry yet another charger with me. eliminating this phone will lower maintence costs, but not until i have a unified solution.

this leaves me with the blackberry bold. i have been watching this phone for a long time. i have gone back and forth about getting it. i was told it had issues and it was better to wait for a newer blackberry. i was standing in the sydney airport, looked over and realized it was time to make a move. i love this phone. its the styling and functionality are perfect; it feels like it was designed for me. slim, sleek, all the features that i want. the only downside was getting it to work was a nightmare. no matter what i tried, it just wouldn't connect to the server. the communication was there, but the connection didn't make it. it got to the point that i was ready to give up, even if a solution looks perfect on paper, if it doesn't work you need to forward.

i spent late yesterday dealing with this. after hours of fighting malaysian mall trafffic, trying maxis locations that are not maxis locations, finding service centers that didn't have a working connection to provide service and correcting helpful answers which i was able to prove were not right... the technician put my SIM in his phone, it worked, we swapped it back to the bold and magically the connection was made. why putting your sim in someone elses phone helps to make your own phone work better i am not sure, but it seems to be solution here.

so i was asked why i don't have an iphone this morning. its slick, and the touch features are really nice. but the storage is to small for me. i am willing to wait for steve jobs to give us an iphone with the capacity to hold my music collection. until then, i will keep the devices separate. if i am willing to carry two hand phones what's the issue with having an ipod... okay two ipods... with me too. i am not going to have iphone envy because i know its not the right one for me. no matter how good it looks, if it doesn't work what's the use.

one of my early mentors used to say, "form follows function". the context he was explaining this within had nothing to do with phones, but it could be applicable here. making a choice on major decisions shows what you hold as important. being willing to spend on the top of the line items; being open to try something new even if it might fail; being willing to keep trying even when it appears the choice was wrong; being able to accept discreet solutions while i wait for a grand unified solution to come forward, these are parts of my personality the phones represent.

the friend asking me about the iphone clearly wanted it, the reason to not get it was concern over how to react if it broke, they can't be fixed here. but you can't make a decision like this based on the potential for a future issue. you need to weigh the benefits until then, if they are worth the risk you move forward. if you really want the ability to touch, you need to make it happen. from there, you just need to take care of the device and make sure you don't do something dumb to break it.

form does follow function, but for me its the connection that matters.



/**********************************************************

does anyone know why GPS doesn't work on my phones? this is the second phone with GPS i have had and neither have worked. the US goverment, military, launched these satelites to allow us to drop bombs with percision all over the world... did they somehow forget malaysia?

that can't be right... even if the last invasion only used bicycles, americans plan for the future.

******/

chapter two

ahhhhhhh, its 10:30 pm and i am not at my desk.  i know this sounds like something that should not be a surprise but… well over the last year this is far from the norm.   i realized last week that i had gone to dinner two nights in a row.  during dinner time, we eat dinner without doing email.  we sat and talked about work, life and balance.  as i took in the relaxed surroundings, i saw a smile and realized change had happened while i wasn’t paying attention.  the previous chapter had come to a close while the next sat distantly in the future.

other than taking time off, sitting in a different café, eating a lot of mexican food and losing focus during a lull in the action, nothing had just changed.  change has been happening for months, or years, but at some point reality becomes clear even if you are not focused.  losing focus might have been the catalyst that allowed it to become clear. 

it could have happened laying in a jacuzzi with broken jets, or it could have been sitting in a cramped airplane seat, but the reality hit sitting at a table down under and just looking up.  location did not matter, the change could have been realized anywhere.  the reality is, if you are focused, change is constant and continuous.  change is everywhere.  

earlier tonight i wrote my annual-review.  it’s a process many dread, and one i enjoy.  51 weeks out of the year, we are looking forward to our most pressing issues.  we focus on our to-do lists and we push to get things done while trying to create some level of balance among the demands of life.

for one week year, we look back and document our accomplishments.  we consider our faults and plan our future.  as a manager, i get to help staff to construct and accomplish goals of their own.  while doing this, i am able to take some credit for their accomplishments.  as i write my personal work-review, i realize my peers are writing theirs, and we are all making a case for the coveted slots at the top of the performance bell curve.  our manager will look at our documented accomplishments and those he identifies as his own will get higher weight.

this is part of the review process, it's built in and productive.  as an individual you get a chance to highlight the positive things you have done, as a manager you get to share those positive things, and to look at a wide group full of success and consider which are important and which to reward.  how would things be if we were able to do this in our personal lives; to sit and have a structured review?   

before i grew up into the corporate world, i was a well-paid itinerant worker.  my job was like that of the tomato pickers who come over the border from mexico into the southwest of the US.  i was foreign to the firms i worked in.  they had no reason to care for me as a person or to develop my skills, i was paid for my work and sent on my way.  if they let me work today i was a success; if they told me i wasn't needed it was because someone else was capable of doing my job.  being ready to be sent packing with nothing more than fruit-stained hands was part of the drive to succeed; and never getting a formal review was part of that life.

i now work where i have the chance to be reviewed, while in life i am living as a consultant.  i go to interviews and take on short-term gigs, but finding that permanent role is elusive.  i have considered that i am negotiating a too strongly, but trading independence for security is not my goal.  finding the role that fits and will last to retirement is; that cannot be compromised.  fit requires connection and communication, but i also need fair and honest reviews.  otherwise it is better to spend time on the bench and wait for a future opportunity.  

this new year will be a new chapter for me.  it will be because i have done a review and realize there is room for improvement.  it’s a down economy, but opportunities will open up.  the question is if it does begin to open up can i pursue it?

step one; find time for dinners that are not spent with companions in other timezones who want to fight about things that don't matter.  it’s time to relax and do things that do matter.  there is a review coming next year and i need to exceed expectations in during review.

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as i began reading what i had written i got a call from the US.  i was asked to join a conference call that is about leadership.  i said no, but i am going to call in.  first i need to pay the check and head for the door.  so much for relaxed.

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